That should be a reason to be happy right? Well it was, until I started seeing all the little kids playing t-ball and soccer. I saw parents as coaches watching them. I thought how good M would be doing something like this. I hope one day he can for our children.
In other news, I went to the RE last Friday. We had a good sizes follie and an E@ level above 250!. So I triggered that afternoon. I hope the egg wasn't too mature. We did TI again and hopefully we are lucky enough to get PG this month. It would be a great way to end the year.
I got an email last night from a friend who just finished her IVF cycle. She is 4 weeks PG and announcing it to the world - I just don't understand that mentality. I hope everything turns out OK for them - sadly I know of two many things that can go wrong:(
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Annoyed at the World
I don't know why its bothering me more today then normal, but I'm just really feeling down. The world is passing me by and there's nothing I can do to get back in the game. I feel like it’s a marathon, but I haven't even gotten registered and everyone else is at mile 25. I'm a really bad runner so I know it would take me a long time to catch up. I don't know what I can do to get back in the game this time. I also came to the realization that I am coming up on the 6 month mark past my last loss. Has it really been that long? Where has that time I lost gone? I just wish I could grab a day back, just one more shot. This is also our last chance at a 2008 baby - its weighing heavy on my heart.
I think I might be feeling this because I'm meeting some friends for drinks tonight, One of the girls is PG - OK I think I can handle that. She has always been very caring and never pushy about anything. The other girl is super nosey and wants to know every time she talks to me if I'm PG or if I'm trying. IRL, I don't tell anybody any of my TTTC business. Honestly, its none of their concern. She lives out of town and feels out of the loop if she doesn't know what's going on in STL. Really my TTC isn't something I ever shared with my friends - its just not something I'm totally comfortable talking about. I never was - not even with my first pregnancy with Addy. Honestly I don't know how anyone who knows the struggles we've been through can be, but I guess they assume that I'm the PG Loss friend and it won't happen to them.
I think I might be feeling this because I'm meeting some friends for drinks tonight, One of the girls is PG - OK I think I can handle that. She has always been very caring and never pushy about anything. The other girl is super nosey and wants to know every time she talks to me if I'm PG or if I'm trying. IRL, I don't tell anybody any of my TTTC business. Honestly, its none of their concern. She lives out of town and feels out of the loop if she doesn't know what's going on in STL. Really my TTC isn't something I ever shared with my friends - its just not something I'm totally comfortable talking about. I never was - not even with my first pregnancy with Addy. Honestly I don't know how anyone who knows the struggles we've been through can be, but I guess they assume that I'm the PG Loss friend and it won't happen to them.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Hiding the CBEFM
So I've decided that there has been to much stress on M and I these last two months. From peeing on the CBEFM sticks to taking my temp every morning at EXACTLY the same time, that included setting my alarm on weekends. Knowing that I had to get up at a specific time was totally messing with my sleep patterns - It was very eratic and stressful.
So this cycle I am giving all my TTC paraphernalia to M to hide from me. I don't want to know where the CBEFM or BBT is hiding. I just want to not see it on my night stand or bathroom counter. I'm hoping that not temping, pushing buttons, and peeing on sticks makes this cycle easier, or at least a little stress free. There will be nothing to obsess about each day and that might be healthy for me this month.
Of course, I will still be going to the RE for u/s and b/w to monitor when I ovulate, but at least I'm removing some of the extras from the equation. The RE will tell us when TI is, but I've already kind of figured it out on my calendar - at least the 5 general days that could be during the time frame - the first weekend in April. We have a wedding, of course, so we have to make sure that we don't drink too much. We need straight swimmers.
Another one of my crazy concerns this month is that I am ovulating from my R ovary. When I had my HSG done the dye took a little bit longer to get through that tube. It made it all the way through, but it was slower - so is there some blockage? How is my little egg and M's sperm supposed to make it through if there's obstacles? They deserve at least a straight shot! Come on now body, let's work together and get a happy solution.
So this cycle I am giving all my TTC paraphernalia to M to hide from me. I don't want to know where the CBEFM or BBT is hiding. I just want to not see it on my night stand or bathroom counter. I'm hoping that not temping, pushing buttons, and peeing on sticks makes this cycle easier, or at least a little stress free. There will be nothing to obsess about each day and that might be healthy for me this month.
Of course, I will still be going to the RE for u/s and b/w to monitor when I ovulate, but at least I'm removing some of the extras from the equation. The RE will tell us when TI is, but I've already kind of figured it out on my calendar - at least the 5 general days that could be during the time frame - the first weekend in April. We have a wedding, of course, so we have to make sure that we don't drink too much. We need straight swimmers.
Another one of my crazy concerns this month is that I am ovulating from my R ovary. When I had my HSG done the dye took a little bit longer to get through that tube. It made it all the way through, but it was slower - so is there some blockage? How is my little egg and M's sperm supposed to make it through if there's obstacles? They deserve at least a straight shot! Come on now body, let's work together and get a happy solution.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I’m getting desperate and I’m not too proud to admit it
I think I’ve finally hit a point of desperation. I’ve been sad, in denial, angry, frustrated, and now its desperate. Its been a year since we delivered Addy – 2 more unsuccessful pregnancies and that puts us as TTC for 20 months!!!!! Its absolutely insane to think like that.
Its not like I’m going to see a cute baby on the street and steal it, but I just want to have one that is a part of DH and I to go home to at night. I want to share the unconditional love in my heart that I have for Addison with a living, breathing child. I love my Angel, but I want her to have a sibling to look over too. I’m desperate to be successful. I’m desperate to be sleep deprived. I’m desperate to hold my baby and stare. To look at little fingers and little toes………….
Its not like I’m going to see a cute baby on the street and steal it, but I just want to have one that is a part of DH and I to go home to at night. I want to share the unconditional love in my heart that I have for Addison with a living, breathing child. I love my Angel, but I want her to have a sibling to look over too. I’m desperate to be successful. I’m desperate to be sleep deprived. I’m desperate to hold my baby and stare. To look at little fingers and little toes………….
Monday, March 24, 2008
An Update
Well I started spotting on Thursday night, 10DPO, and I knew that was a bad sign. I took a HPT on Friday because it was Addy's Angel Day and of course it was negative. I was really hoping for an amazing gift from Addy, but I guess it wasn't in the cards. I spotted all weekend and finally got full flow on Sunday. So I go in on Wed. for an u/s. I'm really hoping that there might be an augmentation to the treatment from Dr. P - Honestly I'm getting more desperate. I'm very concerned that my LP is shortening. I've never spotted like this before and I was taking 200 mg of progesterone 3 times a day - it was making me very sick and dizzy, but I dealt with it. I just want to feel fixed - not broken. I've never gotten a +HPT before 14DPO and if I get AF before that, how am I going to ever get PG?
The strange illness that I had from last week is still hanging on. I'm still exhausted. I sleep awful. My body just hurts. I'm getting a massage tonight and I hope that will help loosen things up. I really need to start to feel like a human again. Its important.
The strange illness that I had from last week is still hanging on. I'm still exhausted. I sleep awful. My body just hurts. I'm getting a massage tonight and I hope that will help loosen things up. I really need to start to feel like a human again. Its important.
Remembering Addy
Our Daughter's First Angel day. I can't believe its already her and gone. Its surreal to say the least.
It was very important to me that DH and I spend the 21st together honoring Addy and her memory. I slept very fitfully that night. I cried before I went to sleep that night because I had started spotting and I knew AF was on her way. Not a good way to start this weekend. Before I went to sleep that night, I kept wondering if I would be awake at 3:01 when I delivered; well my dyslexic brain must have gotten itself all confused because I woke up at 3:10 am. Oh well. We got up the next morning and went to buy some flowers and balloons to release at the cemetery in addition to all the other things I had been accumulating for her.
I wrote Addy a letter telling her how much I miss her and think of her everyday. We tied it to 3 pink balloons for all our little angels. It was really windy and I was afraid that the balloons might just stuck in the big tree, but they went up no problem - I'm sure Addy got her message.
I brought birthday candles and some other decorations for her headstone. She had already gotten some birthday visitors so there was lots of special items there. M and I spent a long time there just lost in our own thoughts. We don't usually talk very much when we are in the cemetery, and that's ok. We both have a lot to think about. After the cemetery, we had planned to go to the park where Addy had a memorial tree, but unfortunately there was major flooding in the area and the roads to the park were affected. So we weren't able to make it to the park. I plan on taking the flower and balloon there this week.
I made my first ever home made cupcakes on Friday afternoon for Addy too. They turned out pretty well. I even iced M and I's cupcakes with her name. I love seeing it written.
It was interesting to see who remembered the day. We received a few cards and email, but very few - that is the most upsetting thing. You don't want your child to be forgotten.
All in all it was an physically and emotionally draining day. It felt good for M and I to acknowledge her and the impact she has on our lives everyday. We carry her in our Hearts, Always.
It was very important to me that DH and I spend the 21st together honoring Addy and her memory. I slept very fitfully that night. I cried before I went to sleep that night because I had started spotting and I knew AF was on her way. Not a good way to start this weekend. Before I went to sleep that night, I kept wondering if I would be awake at 3:01 when I delivered; well my dyslexic brain must have gotten itself all confused because I woke up at 3:10 am. Oh well. We got up the next morning and went to buy some flowers and balloons to release at the cemetery in addition to all the other things I had been accumulating for her.
I wrote Addy a letter telling her how much I miss her and think of her everyday. We tied it to 3 pink balloons for all our little angels. It was really windy and I was afraid that the balloons might just stuck in the big tree, but they went up no problem - I'm sure Addy got her message.
I brought birthday candles and some other decorations for her headstone. She had already gotten some birthday visitors so there was lots of special items there. M and I spent a long time there just lost in our own thoughts. We don't usually talk very much when we are in the cemetery, and that's ok. We both have a lot to think about. After the cemetery, we had planned to go to the park where Addy had a memorial tree, but unfortunately there was major flooding in the area and the roads to the park were affected. So we weren't able to make it to the park. I plan on taking the flower and balloon there this week.
I made my first ever home made cupcakes on Friday afternoon for Addy too. They turned out pretty well. I even iced M and I's cupcakes with her name. I love seeing it written.
It was interesting to see who remembered the day. We received a few cards and email, but very few - that is the most upsetting thing. You don't want your child to be forgotten.
All in all it was an physically and emotionally draining day. It felt good for M and I to acknowledge her and the impact she has on our lives everyday. We carry her in our Hearts, Always.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
My Bad Wed.
Yesterday was M's birthday - I feel really bad for him. I wasn't able to make it a very good day.
I had to go to Chicago for the day for work. So my day started off at 5 am - way too early for me. Unfortunately, I have been fighting a fever for the last few days and its still in full force. So I spent the majority of the flight in a sweat as my fever was breaking for the first time that day - it would soon return - no worries. After spending some time at the tradeshow, I traipsed myself back to the airport and felt my sickness coming on in full force. I tried to make myself eat something, but nothing tastes even remotely good. My flight was delayed, of course, but I got by 6 - which was pretty good.
Because its his b-day, I make him choose what he wants for dinner. I would make reservations, but he had to say which restaurant. Sadly, he didn't even want to go out. So I ended up making him Chicken Wing Dip (its really good, but a very pathetic birthday dinner). I didn't even get him his favorite cookie cake - I'm a very bad wife. I was able to take 3 bites of dinner before I passed out for my half hour nap. I made the final walk to our bedroom at 8pm. Yes, I know it was really sad.
Unfortunately, his birthday is at such a bad time for us - how can you be happy and celebrating a birthday when you know that 2 days later your daughter was stillborn - it just weighs over your head. I really wish that we could just pick another month to celebrate his birthday, but I know its not possible. IT just sucks. I just hope we have a baby this time next year……
Tomorrow is going to be a very sad day for me. I don't think I'm ready for it.
I had to go to Chicago for the day for work. So my day started off at 5 am - way too early for me. Unfortunately, I have been fighting a fever for the last few days and its still in full force. So I spent the majority of the flight in a sweat as my fever was breaking for the first time that day - it would soon return - no worries. After spending some time at the tradeshow, I traipsed myself back to the airport and felt my sickness coming on in full force. I tried to make myself eat something, but nothing tastes even remotely good. My flight was delayed, of course, but I got by 6 - which was pretty good.
Because its his b-day, I make him choose what he wants for dinner. I would make reservations, but he had to say which restaurant. Sadly, he didn't even want to go out. So I ended up making him Chicken Wing Dip (its really good, but a very pathetic birthday dinner). I didn't even get him his favorite cookie cake - I'm a very bad wife. I was able to take 3 bites of dinner before I passed out for my half hour nap. I made the final walk to our bedroom at 8pm. Yes, I know it was really sad.
Unfortunately, his birthday is at such a bad time for us - how can you be happy and celebrating a birthday when you know that 2 days later your daughter was stillborn - it just weighs over your head. I really wish that we could just pick another month to celebrate his birthday, but I know its not possible. IT just sucks. I just hope we have a baby this time next year……
Tomorrow is going to be a very sad day for me. I don't think I'm ready for it.
Monday, March 17, 2008
I'm exhausted
So last week I had an u/s to verify that I ovulated. On Sat. I went to the lab to get my blood drawn for my progesterone levels. They came back at 10 - which is OK - it means I ovulated, but its not super high. Since my blood draw on Sat, I started progesterone supplements and they are kicking my ass. They make me feel really dizzy, like I am going to fall over at any second. After I took the first pill, I literally passed out for 2 hours! I have to take these things 3 times a day!
Today was my first work day with the meds and it was rough. I had to put my head down at lunch because I thought I was going to pass out. I came straight home from work - it was a scary drive, I felt a little loopy. I got straight into bed once I got home because I'm so cold! M made dinner and then I took my temp 99.29 - Iseriously have on like 3 layers and wool socks! I hope its just the progesterone and I'm not getting sick...
Today was my first work day with the meds and it was rough. I had to put my head down at lunch because I thought I was going to pass out. I came straight home from work - it was a scary drive, I felt a little loopy. I got straight into bed once I got home because I'm so cold! M made dinner and then I took my temp 99.29 - Iseriously have on like 3 layers and wool socks! I hope its just the progesterone and I'm not getting sick...
Friday, March 14, 2008
One Year Ago Today
March 14, 2007 was one of the worst days of my life. A year ago today, we had the final u/s that would change our lives forever.
I had been on bed rest since Feb. 28, hoping and praying that some amniotic fluid would appear around our daughter and she would grow a little bit, and we might make it to the magical 26 week mark that the doctor's talked about. Sadly, at 24w5d we went in for a growth u/s and discovered that our baby's heart had stopped beating.
I have been reliving a lot of the feelings that I felt during that time. Its so hard to feel like you didn't fight hard enough for your baby. I ask myself a million times why I didn't fight so hard to get into the hospital and have 24/7 monitoring.
We will never know if it would have made a difference.
I do know that next time I will fight with every ounce I have in my body for the life of my baby. I just hope I have that chance again.
I had been on bed rest since Feb. 28, hoping and praying that some amniotic fluid would appear around our daughter and she would grow a little bit, and we might make it to the magical 26 week mark that the doctor's talked about. Sadly, at 24w5d we went in for a growth u/s and discovered that our baby's heart had stopped beating.
I have been reliving a lot of the feelings that I felt during that time. Its so hard to feel like you didn't fight hard enough for your baby. I ask myself a million times why I didn't fight so hard to get into the hospital and have 24/7 monitoring.
We will never know if it would have made a difference.
I do know that next time I will fight with every ounce I have in my body for the life of my baby. I just hope I have that chance again.
A Pit
One of my friend's from Heartprints (A pregnancy loss support group I go to at the hosiptal where I delivered Addy) sent this to me.
I can't even begin to say how much this explains everything I have been going through.
The Pit
The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life; waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever. The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair; it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.
Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday. Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.
Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know ... the "better them, than me" attitude.
My post-grief friends are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit of grief. They have no way of comparing the pit climber to the pre-grief person I once was. You see, they started at the bottom of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit.
Author Unknown
I can't even begin to say how much this explains everything I have been going through.
The Pit
The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life; waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever. The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair; it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.
Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday. Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.
Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know ... the "better them, than me" attitude.
My post-grief friends are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit of grief. They have no way of comparing the pit climber to the pre-grief person I once was. You see, they started at the bottom of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit.
Author Unknown
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Update on me
My temps went up this morning, a very good sign that I ovulated Sun. or Mon. I will continue to temp until I get confirmation from FF. Hopefully tomorrow:)! I go back to the RE tomorrow to have my ovulation confirmation u/s. I've never had so many u/s - its crazy, but reassuring that things are progressing. Hopefully from there they will schedule my 7DPO progesterone test. After that test, I get to start my progesterone supplements. 200 mg. 3x a day. I'm nervous about the s/e, especially the exhaustion one. I have a lot going on next week in my work and personal life. The progesterone will also reek havoc with my temperatures. Prematurely making them higher so I don't think I can trust temping at the end of my cycle this month. We'll see. I'm planning on getting some $ store PG tests tonight so that I can test out the trigger shot. I'm hoping that it get out of my system by this weekend.
I'm not sure how early I will start testing this month. M's birthday is the 19th. I would love to have good news for him that day, but I think its way too early. I really want to test on the 21st (Addy's Day), but I fear if I get a negative I will be more distraught, if that's even possible. M is convinced that I will have a +HPT on the 21st, a gift from Addy. I hope its true.
I'm not sure how early I will start testing this month. M's birthday is the 19th. I would love to have good news for him that day, but I think its way too early. I really want to test on the 21st (Addy's Day), but I fear if I get a negative I will be more distraught, if that's even possible. M is convinced that I will have a +HPT on the 21st, a gift from Addy. I hope its true.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Re Appointments = Major Frustration
This was supossed to be my entry fro yesterday
So we started our monitoring cycles with the RE this week. I went in Thursday morning and I have an 18 mm follie on the L side. The u/s tech said "That's exactly what we want to see, like you'll trigger tonight." Then the nurse said "everything looks great, we'll just wait for your blood work levels to come back and verify everything." She went over the instructions on how to trigger Well they did and the E2 level was only 141. So I went back today. The follies had only grown 1 mm to 19mm and my blood work still wasn't where they want to see it. So I have to go back tomorrow.
The nurse said things like "busted cycle" and poor egg quality. Those type of things stress me out - immensely. I just want to get PG and quickly. We need to have a baby in 2008 - it has to happen or else I will not be responsible for my actions. I just want to be fixed. The whole point to doing the trigger shot is to make me ovulate sooner and with crappy levels I'm never going to get there. I want my body to be like it was before. Is that too much to ask? If this cycle is a bust I really hope Dr. P will re-evaluate our treatment and make a change.
UPDATE: I went in today and my follie was at 20 mm. I was expecting bad news from my bloodwork too, but I got an unexpected surprise. It was 310!!! Yeah, that means I triggered tonight and I should be ovulating soon!!!!
So we started our monitoring cycles with the RE this week. I went in Thursday morning and I have an 18 mm follie on the L side. The u/s tech said "That's exactly what we want to see, like you'll trigger tonight." Then the nurse said "everything looks great, we'll just wait for your blood work levels to come back and verify everything." She went over the instructions on how to trigger Well they did and the E2 level was only 141. So I went back today. The follies had only grown 1 mm to 19mm and my blood work still wasn't where they want to see it. So I have to go back tomorrow.
The nurse said things like "busted cycle" and poor egg quality. Those type of things stress me out - immensely. I just want to get PG and quickly. We need to have a baby in 2008 - it has to happen or else I will not be responsible for my actions. I just want to be fixed. The whole point to doing the trigger shot is to make me ovulate sooner and with crappy levels I'm never going to get there. I want my body to be like it was before. Is that too much to ask? If this cycle is a bust I really hope Dr. P will re-evaluate our treatment and make a change.
UPDATE: I went in today and my follie was at 20 mm. I was expecting bad news from my bloodwork too, but I got an unexpected surprise. It was 310!!! Yeah, that means I triggered tonight and I should be ovulating soon!!!!
Monday, March 3, 2008
Today is EDD #2
What if??? I didn't have a stressful day at work, but instead of had a baby at the hospital.
Today is the due date for our July Angel. We lost the baby early, at around 7 weeks. I'm sad that we never got a chance to meet this little one.
I miss you little Peanut. I think about you everyday and hope you are having fun with your siblings in heaven. I'll love you always.
Today is the due date for our July Angel. We lost the baby early, at around 7 weeks. I'm sad that we never got a chance to meet this little one.
I miss you little Peanut. I think about you everyday and hope you are having fun with your siblings in heaven. I'll love you always.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
One Year Ago Today
Well today marks the beginning of the On Year Ago Today Posts as I prepare for Addy’s Angeliversary. On Feb. 28, 2007 we went to the perinatal center at the hospital because at our big u/s they couldn’t get all the measurements they wanted. This was the day that the world crashed down around me with the news that she had no amniotic fluid and IUGR. The doctor said it was bad, but I really didn’t think that she wouldn’t make it. It seems almost surreal at this point. We were so close to the magic 26 weeks that they would intervene at. I still have a hard time understanding how the u/s tech at my OB’s office didn’t recognize the signs, two weeks prior, that my daughter was in distress, but there’s nothing that I can do about that now.
So I know I’m going to have a rough few weeks ahead.
So I know I’m going to have a rough few weeks ahead.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I cried myself to sleep....
Its been a long time since I've done that. I really thought that I was over that hurdle. The other night after M was asleep I just couldn't help it. I think the realization that its been a year since we lost Addison is really starting to hit me pretty hard.
Crying myself to sleep was a normal occurrence after we lost Addison. Let's be honest, when it first happened I cried all day long. Then I started hiding my crying from M. He was having a hard time understanding why I still cried all day. So, I did it during the day when he was at work. And I did it almost every night until her due date in late June. I felt like I had to hide my grief, and that was the easiest time to do it. Especially since I had a really hard time falling asleep for those 3 months. What else do you do at 2 in the morning when you can sleep and you are so sad? Cry. Cry. And cry some more.
the night I cried was the day before AF showed. I think deep down inside I knew that I wasn't PG. My chart didn't look promising. I didn't have any symptoms. Although I can't really ever remember having early symptoms until after I knew I was already PG.
AF showed on Friday morning, my temps took a dip too, to right above the cover line, so that was annoying. AF totally teased me too. It was just spotting on Friday and Sat. morning. I thought my body was totally screwing with me, but thankfully things got flowing later Sat. afternoon. So that was CD1. I called the RE and I have my u/s appointment on Wed. morning. They'll check for cysts and do baseline b/w. Then give me calendar of events for the month. At our meeting with the RE last month, he decided to only augment our TTC journey with an ovidrel (HCG) shot to induce ovulation at the right time. He kept using the analogy that you have to get the oven at the right temperature to get PG. So we just need to tweak our recipe. It was pretty funny, but I totally understood his analogy. We'll do this plan of attack for 3 months and if we aren't successful we'll re-evaluate. I really hope we don't get to that point. We are quickly running out of time to have a 2008 baby. This month's EDD is Nov. 29, 2008 - yes I check every month.
So I'm hoping that the recipe just needed a loving and this will be the month for us. We can't handle much more stress.
Crying myself to sleep was a normal occurrence after we lost Addison. Let's be honest, when it first happened I cried all day long. Then I started hiding my crying from M. He was having a hard time understanding why I still cried all day. So, I did it during the day when he was at work. And I did it almost every night until her due date in late June. I felt like I had to hide my grief, and that was the easiest time to do it. Especially since I had a really hard time falling asleep for those 3 months. What else do you do at 2 in the morning when you can sleep and you are so sad? Cry. Cry. And cry some more.
the night I cried was the day before AF showed. I think deep down inside I knew that I wasn't PG. My chart didn't look promising. I didn't have any symptoms. Although I can't really ever remember having early symptoms until after I knew I was already PG.
AF showed on Friday morning, my temps took a dip too, to right above the cover line, so that was annoying. AF totally teased me too. It was just spotting on Friday and Sat. morning. I thought my body was totally screwing with me, but thankfully things got flowing later Sat. afternoon. So that was CD1. I called the RE and I have my u/s appointment on Wed. morning. They'll check for cysts and do baseline b/w. Then give me calendar of events for the month. At our meeting with the RE last month, he decided to only augment our TTC journey with an ovidrel (HCG) shot to induce ovulation at the right time. He kept using the analogy that you have to get the oven at the right temperature to get PG. So we just need to tweak our recipe. It was pretty funny, but I totally understood his analogy. We'll do this plan of attack for 3 months and if we aren't successful we'll re-evaluate. I really hope we don't get to that point. We are quickly running out of time to have a 2008 baby. This month's EDD is Nov. 29, 2008 - yes I check every month.
So I'm hoping that the recipe just needed a loving and this will be the month for us. We can't handle much more stress.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Is the 21st Again...
It’s the 21st again – eleven long months after delivery and there are still more Angel Babies added today. So here are some more of Addy’s new friends.
Peppercorn, Gummy Bear, Baby W, Raymond Bradley, Riley David, Jumping Bean, Augustine aka Gus, Cameron Douglas, Belly Buddy, Blueberry, Baby Mac, Gwyniviere Emlyn and Onora Casidhe, Baby G, and peanut.
We love and miss all our babies.
Peppercorn, Gummy Bear, Baby W, Raymond Bradley, Riley David, Jumping Bean, Augustine aka Gus, Cameron Douglas, Belly Buddy, Blueberry, Baby Mac, Gwyniviere Emlyn and Onora Casidhe, Baby G, and peanut.
We love and miss all our babies.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Why do I share my Story?
When I was blissfully pg and ignorant last year, I had never encountered a single person with a pg loss. Now three losses later, I’m pretty open about sharing my story. Why would I want to be so open with something so personal?
There are a few reasons.
1. I want to shout my daughter’s name from the rooftop. I never, ever want it forgotten. I hope her impact continues to spread.
2. The people that I encounter may also be blissfully ignorant, but one day they are going to encounter someone with pregnancy loss. It may not be them, but it could be there sister, best friend, or even their own child, but I hope to think that because I shared what happened with me they will be a more compassionate, caring, and understanding person.
I never fathomed I would experience loss like this, but it happens. It happens to all of us no matter, our age, race, or social class. And it sucks – big time. As someone who continues to go through it all I want to hear is I’m sorry. Those simple words say everything that needs to be said. Anything beyond that and you are just putting your foot in your mouth.
There are a few reasons.
1. I want to shout my daughter’s name from the rooftop. I never, ever want it forgotten. I hope her impact continues to spread.
2. The people that I encounter may also be blissfully ignorant, but one day they are going to encounter someone with pregnancy loss. It may not be them, but it could be there sister, best friend, or even their own child, but I hope to think that because I shared what happened with me they will be a more compassionate, caring, and understanding person.
I never fathomed I would experience loss like this, but it happens. It happens to all of us no matter, our age, race, or social class. And it sucks – big time. As someone who continues to go through it all I want to hear is I’m sorry. Those simple words say everything that needs to be said. Anything beyond that and you are just putting your foot in your mouth.
Monday, February 18, 2008
My diagnosis
When I got my diagnosis almost a year ago I spent so much time searching for answer and information about my disorder. I found a Factor V website and a yahoo group for women just like me. It was reassuring to find other people in the same situation. These women had experienced miscarriages and stillbirths just like me, but its so sad that they understand. Many also had never experienced any symptoms before their babies were in distress just like me.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FVL-PG/
The pregnancy loss board, where I spent most of my time after the loss, never had any women like me. I would stalk the posts looking for another women who might have the same blood disorder. I never found them. Then in November I started seeing TONS of them. I guess everyone came out of the woodwork with their diagnosis.
http://boards.thenest.com/Boards/ShowForum.aspx?ForumID=426
Anyway, I wanted to share some of the resources that I found for my two diagnosis - heterozygous Factor V Leiden and Heterozygous MTHER a gene. Here is the Factor V website http://www.fvleiden.org/
There is also great thread on babycenter.com under high risk pregnancies called Lovenox Ladies. Its full of women who taking blood thinners. They have great tips, tricks, and advice.
http://www.babycenter.com/
I also recently came across a group for MTHFR on yahoo http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/immunologysupport/
An article about Factov V http://www.geneclinics.org/profiles/factor-v-leiden/details.html
Hopefully there will continue to be new research about Factor V and pregnancy loss.
The best site out there I have found for pregnancy loss is Share.
http://www.nationalshreoffice.com/ they are a National organization that supports bereaved parents. They are the best organization ever. I'm very lucky that they have their National Headquarters here in the St. Louis area.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FVL-PG/
The pregnancy loss board, where I spent most of my time after the loss, never had any women like me. I would stalk the posts looking for another women who might have the same blood disorder. I never found them. Then in November I started seeing TONS of them. I guess everyone came out of the woodwork with their diagnosis.
http://boards.thenest.com/Boards/ShowForum.aspx?ForumID=426
Anyway, I wanted to share some of the resources that I found for my two diagnosis - heterozygous Factor V Leiden and Heterozygous MTHER a gene. Here is the Factor V website http://www.fvleiden.org/
There is also great thread on babycenter.com under high risk pregnancies called Lovenox Ladies. Its full of women who taking blood thinners. They have great tips, tricks, and advice.
http://www.babycenter.com/
I also recently came across a group for MTHFR on yahoo http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/immunologysupport/
An article about Factov V http://www.geneclinics.org/profiles/factor-v-leiden/details.html
Hopefully there will continue to be new research about Factor V and pregnancy loss.
The best site out there I have found for pregnancy loss is Share.
http://www.nationalshreoffice.com/ they are a National organization that supports bereaved parents. They are the best organization ever. I'm very lucky that they have their National Headquarters here in the St. Louis area.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I'm just rambling.......
This is my there's no good direction, pity post for today - you've been warned.
I'm sad for all my on-line friends. There was a number of us who had late second tri losses around the same time in March. We were all very active members of the PL board and over the last few months they've disappeared. I know its hard to see people come and go so quickly from the board and be stuck there - it sucks. A number of the girls have been blessed to get pg quickly and are over halfway done (or more!) there are a few of us that are still hanging out waiting for our turn - its so unfair. These women deserve healthy happy babies just like everybody else and it hurts me every month to know that there are other people out there going through the same kind of pain I am. Its so strange to have such an intense desire for someone you never have met IRL to have a successful pregnancy. I think it just shows how women may be catty we can really be there for each other.
Not to mention a few of them have gotten PG again and then m/c'd. As someone who has gone through that same scenario - all I can say is it so cruel. Its just not right. These women have been tested and pushed beyond anything anyone should ever have to endure.
another thing that I realized last week was people who had healthy babies the same time I had Addison are trying again! some of them have had early miscarriages and are showing up on my boards! I can't even fathom it. I should have a 10 month old. I should be happy and sleepless on the weekends. I should have been playing at the park yesterday instead of tying a heart around Addy's memory tree.
I did just see a PFB post from one of the girls and that gives me immense hope that I'll have a turn soon. But according to my RE this month is out for us:( I went to the RE today for a cyst check. Everything came back OK. I have my SHG scheduled for Wed. am. Its my last actual procedure before our meeting to discuss our plan. Its frustrating because we started the process over three months ago and because my cycles coincided with his vacation time I never got in to see him.
Oh yeah, if I got PG this month; my due date is October 31 - why do I torture myself!
I'm sad for all my on-line friends. There was a number of us who had late second tri losses around the same time in March. We were all very active members of the PL board and over the last few months they've disappeared. I know its hard to see people come and go so quickly from the board and be stuck there - it sucks. A number of the girls have been blessed to get pg quickly and are over halfway done (or more!) there are a few of us that are still hanging out waiting for our turn - its so unfair. These women deserve healthy happy babies just like everybody else and it hurts me every month to know that there are other people out there going through the same kind of pain I am. Its so strange to have such an intense desire for someone you never have met IRL to have a successful pregnancy. I think it just shows how women may be catty we can really be there for each other.
Not to mention a few of them have gotten PG again and then m/c'd. As someone who has gone through that same scenario - all I can say is it so cruel. Its just not right. These women have been tested and pushed beyond anything anyone should ever have to endure.
another thing that I realized last week was people who had healthy babies the same time I had Addison are trying again! some of them have had early miscarriages and are showing up on my boards! I can't even fathom it. I should have a 10 month old. I should be happy and sleepless on the weekends. I should have been playing at the park yesterday instead of tying a heart around Addy's memory tree.
I did just see a PFB post from one of the girls and that gives me immense hope that I'll have a turn soon. But according to my RE this month is out for us:( I went to the RE today for a cyst check. Everything came back OK. I have my SHG scheduled for Wed. am. Its my last actual procedure before our meeting to discuss our plan. Its frustrating because we started the process over three months ago and because my cycles coincided with his vacation time I never got in to see him.
Oh yeah, if I got PG this month; my due date is October 31 - why do I torture myself!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Today is the 21st - Angel Play Group - Play date
The following is the post I make on the 21 of every month on www.thenest.com Pregnancy Loss Board.
http://boards.thenest.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=40837737#40837737
Hi mommies,I started this post on the 21st of every month to remember my little girl on the day she was born. Since I started Addy’s Angel Playgroup, we have suffered two more losses – so I’ve decided to rename the group Addy, Peanut, and Grace Cashew’s Angel Playgroup as a way to remember all my babies in heaven. I always knew that I would know all my babies’ friends names. This group is a way for me to find out and remember all the babies she is friends with in heaven. I know they are all up there playing together waiting for us. It makes me sad to have to add more babies each month, but I know they’re together and that’s comforting to me. So no matter if they have a name or a nickname I want to know it.It’s been ten long months since we lost our little girl and these are the friends that play with her everyday: Spencer Allen, Hope, baby girl, Munchkin, baby, Elizabeth Dymphna, Sarah, Hope, Autumn, Ciara Grace, Peanut, Bella, Englebert Dweezil, Hokieangel, Sweetpea, Elizabeth Sue, Sydney Grace, Marie Elizabeth, Sweetpea, Bean, Holden, Bambino, Ole, Schlomo, Riley Tey, Aidan Christian, Fredrick, Monkey, Jacob, Erin Elizabeth, Pepper, Rice, Peanut, Little Star, Shea Michael, Art and Julianna St. John, Wombsly, Ariel, Riley Jacob, Nathaniel Martin, the WonderTwins, Jude, Angela Felicity, Logan, Kyle/Isabella, Baby Tut, Baby Lem, Squishy, baby girl angel, Diddle Bug, Leilani, Riley Elizabeth, daddy's little man, Dora, David and Jonathan, Zippy, little, Tater, Gizmo, Kaitlyn Lily, Gus, jellybean, baby Collins, Hugh, Raya’s Boy, Olivia, little beanie, Stryker Kaleb, Alexbean, Bo, mayor, Abigail, Lucy Maribelle, our Miracle, Baby D, turkey, July angel, sweetpea, Faith, Lelliot, Angel Babe, 4 angel babies, Micahel and Brendan, Our Angel, baby peanut, Baby W, Juju bee, Baby Burns #1, little rice, Benjamin Elijah, Stephen Joseph, and Little Bean.Please feel free to add your little one’s to this list as another way to remember them. I have been compiling this list since April and keep every babies name on it every month. So please feel free to share.
I’m pretty sure I got everyone, but please let me know if I missed anyone from last month.
((HUGS))
Amanda
Here are the new angels this month:
Noah and Joshua Nicholas
Baby Mac
Lucy
Lucy Ruth
Batman
Sam and Jamie
Chloe
What's pretty scary about this post is I can probably identify most of the screen names with their baby's names - especially the ones who experienced later loss. I feel so connected to so many of these women - we've our lost a piece of our future.
This post is so bittersweet for me. I feel really good remembering my babies this way and remembering everyone else's children too. Its so awful to see the list grow every month, but at least I feel like I am acknowledging them.
One of the things that hurts me the most is that no one says my daughter's name and that hurts so bad. This post keeps her name alive to me. I don't want people to forget her name - she's a person and deserves to be recognized just like other babies. I wish more people would say her name. There was another girl who echoed those same sentiments to me today - and I'm so happy other mother's enjoy seeing their babies' names as much as I do.
There is one girl there, ourlittlebean, that responds every month, that she is so glad I do this post. She is PG again, and comes back to the PG loss board every month to remember her WonderTwins. Its makes me feel good that somebody else feels the post is as important as I do.
So I'm a bad blogger, but I have a good reason. I've been in my first 2ww since the start of the new year and TTC again - so I didn't really want to write anything.
Today was 12DPO and I got a BFN:(. I didn't get a +HPT before until 14 DPO - I won't test again until Wed. am, but I'll be out of town on business - so that sucks. I won't be able to get in and get beta's right away. I am packing my lovenox just in case - the earlier the treatment starts the better I feel. I really don't feel pregnant at all - I make up symptoms to make myself feel better. I think M will be a little crushed if I'm not PG this month - he thinks its so easy - we BD, we get PG. If its negative this month, I have my final procedure schedules at the RE - SHG. We meet with him in Feb. to discuss our plan of attack. I hope he has a good plan of attack for us. I'm ready to have a positive pregnancy experience.
http://boards.thenest.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=40837737#40837737
Hi mommies,I started this post on the 21st of every month to remember my little girl on the day she was born. Since I started Addy’s Angel Playgroup, we have suffered two more losses – so I’ve decided to rename the group Addy, Peanut, and Grace Cashew’s Angel Playgroup as a way to remember all my babies in heaven. I always knew that I would know all my babies’ friends names. This group is a way for me to find out and remember all the babies she is friends with in heaven. I know they are all up there playing together waiting for us. It makes me sad to have to add more babies each month, but I know they’re together and that’s comforting to me. So no matter if they have a name or a nickname I want to know it.It’s been ten long months since we lost our little girl and these are the friends that play with her everyday: Spencer Allen, Hope, baby girl, Munchkin, baby, Elizabeth Dymphna, Sarah, Hope, Autumn, Ciara Grace, Peanut, Bella, Englebert Dweezil, Hokieangel, Sweetpea, Elizabeth Sue, Sydney Grace, Marie Elizabeth, Sweetpea, Bean, Holden, Bambino, Ole, Schlomo, Riley Tey, Aidan Christian, Fredrick, Monkey, Jacob, Erin Elizabeth, Pepper, Rice, Peanut, Little Star, Shea Michael, Art and Julianna St. John, Wombsly, Ariel, Riley Jacob, Nathaniel Martin, the WonderTwins, Jude, Angela Felicity, Logan, Kyle/Isabella, Baby Tut, Baby Lem, Squishy, baby girl angel, Diddle Bug, Leilani, Riley Elizabeth, daddy's little man, Dora, David and Jonathan, Zippy, little, Tater, Gizmo, Kaitlyn Lily, Gus, jellybean, baby Collins, Hugh, Raya’s Boy, Olivia, little beanie, Stryker Kaleb, Alexbean, Bo, mayor, Abigail, Lucy Maribelle, our Miracle, Baby D, turkey, July angel, sweetpea, Faith, Lelliot, Angel Babe, 4 angel babies, Micahel and Brendan, Our Angel, baby peanut, Baby W, Juju bee, Baby Burns #1, little rice, Benjamin Elijah, Stephen Joseph, and Little Bean.Please feel free to add your little one’s to this list as another way to remember them. I have been compiling this list since April and keep every babies name on it every month. So please feel free to share.
I’m pretty sure I got everyone, but please let me know if I missed anyone from last month.
((HUGS))
Amanda
Here are the new angels this month:
Noah and Joshua Nicholas
Baby Mac
Lucy
Lucy Ruth
Batman
Sam and Jamie
Chloe
What's pretty scary about this post is I can probably identify most of the screen names with their baby's names - especially the ones who experienced later loss. I feel so connected to so many of these women - we've our lost a piece of our future.
This post is so bittersweet for me. I feel really good remembering my babies this way and remembering everyone else's children too. Its so awful to see the list grow every month, but at least I feel like I am acknowledging them.
One of the things that hurts me the most is that no one says my daughter's name and that hurts so bad. This post keeps her name alive to me. I don't want people to forget her name - she's a person and deserves to be recognized just like other babies. I wish more people would say her name. There was another girl who echoed those same sentiments to me today - and I'm so happy other mother's enjoy seeing their babies' names as much as I do.
There is one girl there, ourlittlebean, that responds every month, that she is so glad I do this post. She is PG again, and comes back to the PG loss board every month to remember her WonderTwins. Its makes me feel good that somebody else feels the post is as important as I do.
So I'm a bad blogger, but I have a good reason. I've been in my first 2ww since the start of the new year and TTC again - so I didn't really want to write anything.
Today was 12DPO and I got a BFN:(. I didn't get a +HPT before until 14 DPO - I won't test again until Wed. am, but I'll be out of town on business - so that sucks. I won't be able to get in and get beta's right away. I am packing my lovenox just in case - the earlier the treatment starts the better I feel. I really don't feel pregnant at all - I make up symptoms to make myself feel better. I think M will be a little crushed if I'm not PG this month - he thinks its so easy - we BD, we get PG. If its negative this month, I have my final procedure schedules at the RE - SHG. We meet with him in Feb. to discuss our plan of attack. I hope he has a good plan of attack for us. I'm ready to have a positive pregnancy experience.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Teaching DH to use CBEFM
So I purchased a CBEFM in May after we lost our daughter to help us TTC ASAP.
Well, things didn’t work out as planned, but we have started using it again. I used to get an e-mail from M every morning – “What did the stick say?” I thought that was very cute that he was trying to understand my cycles and how everything works. I showed him the complex button on the left hand side that you press and it shows where you are in your cycle. So now instead he says – “So yesterday we said still low huh”
I was impressed he had figured it out, but then last night he said – so what number do we want? Huh – the numbers are on the right of the screen.
OOPS – he thought we were trying to get to 100 on the right on of the screen. You know where cycle days are listed. So it showed 13 and he thought we had a long way to go.
So I explained. The numbers are just to keep track of how many days since AF started.
He was right though – it was still low. Until this morning – we got a high!!! I’m going to let him press he button when he gets home tonight. Let sex week begin.
Well, things didn’t work out as planned, but we have started using it again. I used to get an e-mail from M every morning – “What did the stick say?” I thought that was very cute that he was trying to understand my cycles and how everything works. I showed him the complex button on the left hand side that you press and it shows where you are in your cycle. So now instead he says – “So yesterday we said still low huh”
I was impressed he had figured it out, but then last night he said – so what number do we want? Huh – the numbers are on the right of the screen.
OOPS – he thought we were trying to get to 100 on the right on of the screen. You know where cycle days are listed. So it showed 13 and he thought we had a long way to go.
So I explained. The numbers are just to keep track of how many days since AF started.
He was right though – it was still low. Until this morning – we got a high!!! I’m going to let him press he button when he gets home tonight. Let sex week begin.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Hello 2008. I’m do glad you are here. Screw you 2007.
With the New Year, I’ve decided I need to start blogging as a way to get out all my feelings. So here it goes…….
So who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?
2007 was the worst year of my life. Sounds dramatic, huh? Well I was pregnant three times and I lost three babies in that time frame. We had a daughter that was stillborn on March 21, 2007. We found out on March 14 that her heart had stopped beating at 24 weeks 5 day. Our little girl had IUGR and no amniotic fluid because of two blood disorders I have – heterozygous Factor V Leiden and heterozygous MTHFR. (I will rant about blood disorders another day). I didn’t find out I had the blood disorders until she was already in distress at 22 weeks.
I got pg again quickly, but unfortunately it was a blighted ovum. So I had all the pregnancy symptoms, but on the u/s the sac showed no baby, pretty cruel huh? I choose to have surgery to remove the pregnancy because I needed to move on. Well we weren’t so careful and I got PG again (seriously - I know). I found out Sept. 10. I went to the dr. and found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. Unfortunately that little baby girl was lost on Oct. 17, 2007. I again had surgery and through genetic testing they were able to determine it was another little girl and she had Turner’s Syndrome – so she was missing a sex chromosome (45X instead of 46XX)
2008 is a year full of new possibilities. M and I are theoretically trying again to have a baby. He wants to get PG and have the baby all in one year. He likes even number years better then odd. We got married in 2004. He had a good year work wise in 2006. His logic doesn’t always work with me, but its very sweet. Today, I want to get PG again, but I’m not going to guarantee what I feel like tomorrow. I am using the CBEFM again. Every morning he asks “What’s the stick say?” We’re waiting for a high reading.
So what am I doing different to treat the blood disorders? The common, never agreed upon by doctor’s treatment – blood thinners. I am currently taking baby aspirin everyday. When I get a +HPT, I will begin my lovenox shots. My new MFS said I am going to is putting me on 40 mg/ 1 day.
I’m also going to use this blog to show ways I remember the babies and try to incorporate them into my daily life. I promise I'll learn how to upload pictures soon. M’s work bought it for us in a local park by the house. I love that it is placed in front of a playground – so Addy can watch over all the other kids.
So who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?
2007 was the worst year of my life. Sounds dramatic, huh? Well I was pregnant three times and I lost three babies in that time frame. We had a daughter that was stillborn on March 21, 2007. We found out on March 14 that her heart had stopped beating at 24 weeks 5 day. Our little girl had IUGR and no amniotic fluid because of two blood disorders I have – heterozygous Factor V Leiden and heterozygous MTHFR. (I will rant about blood disorders another day). I didn’t find out I had the blood disorders until she was already in distress at 22 weeks.
I got pg again quickly, but unfortunately it was a blighted ovum. So I had all the pregnancy symptoms, but on the u/s the sac showed no baby, pretty cruel huh? I choose to have surgery to remove the pregnancy because I needed to move on. Well we weren’t so careful and I got PG again (seriously - I know). I found out Sept. 10. I went to the dr. and found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. Unfortunately that little baby girl was lost on Oct. 17, 2007. I again had surgery and through genetic testing they were able to determine it was another little girl and she had Turner’s Syndrome – so she was missing a sex chromosome (45X instead of 46XX)
2008 is a year full of new possibilities. M and I are theoretically trying again to have a baby. He wants to get PG and have the baby all in one year. He likes even number years better then odd. We got married in 2004. He had a good year work wise in 2006. His logic doesn’t always work with me, but its very sweet. Today, I want to get PG again, but I’m not going to guarantee what I feel like tomorrow. I am using the CBEFM again. Every morning he asks “What’s the stick say?” We’re waiting for a high reading.
So what am I doing different to treat the blood disorders? The common, never agreed upon by doctor’s treatment – blood thinners. I am currently taking baby aspirin everyday. When I get a +HPT, I will begin my lovenox shots. My new MFS said I am going to is putting me on 40 mg/ 1 day.
I’m also going to use this blog to show ways I remember the babies and try to incorporate them into my daily life. I promise I'll learn how to upload pictures soon. M’s work bought it for us in a local park by the house. I love that it is placed in front of a playground – so Addy can watch over all the other kids.
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