Annoyed at the World‏

I don't know why its bothering me more today then normal, but I'm just really feeling down. The world is passing me by and there's nothing I can do to get back in the game. I feel like it’s a marathon, but I haven't even gotten registered and everyone else is at mile 25. I'm a really bad runner so I know it would take me a long time to catch up. I don't know what I can do to get back in the game this time. I also came to the realization that I am coming up on the 6 month mark past my last loss. Has it really been that long? Where has that time I lost gone? I just wish I could grab a day back, just one more shot. This is also our last chance at a 2008 baby - its weighing heavy on my heart.

I think I might be feeling this because I'm meeting some friends for drinks tonight, One of the girls is PG - OK I think I can handle that. She has always been very caring and never pushy about anything. The other girl is super nosey and wants to know every time she talks to me if I'm PG or if I'm trying. IRL, I don't tell anybody any of my TTTC business. Honestly, its none of their concern. She lives out of town and feels out of the loop if she doesn't know what's going on in STL. Really my TTC isn't something I ever shared with my friends - its just not something I'm totally comfortable talking about. I never was - not even with my first pregnancy with Addy. Honestly I don't know how anyone who knows the struggles we've been through can be, but I guess they assume that I'm the PG Loss friend and it won't happen to them.

Hiding the CBEFM‏

So I've decided that there has been to much stress on M and I these last two months. From peeing on the CBEFM sticks to taking my temp every morning at EXACTLY the same time, that included setting my alarm on weekends. Knowing that I had to get up at a specific time was totally messing with my sleep patterns - It was very eratic and stressful.
So this cycle I am giving all my TTC paraphernalia to M to hide from me. I don't want to know where the CBEFM or BBT is hiding. I just want to not see it on my night stand or bathroom counter. I'm hoping that not temping, pushing buttons, and peeing on sticks makes this cycle easier, or at least a little stress free. There will be nothing to obsess about each day and that might be healthy for me this month.

Of course, I will still be going to the RE for u/s and b/w to monitor when I ovulate, but at least I'm removing some of the extras from the equation. The RE will tell us when TI is, but I've already kind of figured it out on my calendar - at least the 5 general days that could be during the time frame - the first weekend in April. We have a wedding, of course, so we have to make sure that we don't drink too much. We need straight swimmers.

Another one of my crazy concerns this month is that I am ovulating from my R ovary. When I had my HSG done the dye took a little bit longer to get through that tube. It made it all the way through, but it was slower - so is there some blockage? How is my little egg and M's sperm supposed to make it through if there's obstacles? They deserve at least a straight shot! Come on now body, let's work together and get a happy solution.

I’m getting desperate and I’m not too proud to admit it

I think I’ve finally hit a point of desperation. I’ve been sad, in denial, angry, frustrated, and now its desperate. Its been a year since we delivered Addy – 2 more unsuccessful pregnancies and that puts us as TTC for 20 months!!!!! Its absolutely insane to think like that.

Its not like I’m going to see a cute baby on the street and steal it, but I just want to have one that is a part of DH and I to go home to at night. I want to share the unconditional love in my heart that I have for Addison with a living, breathing child. I love my Angel, but I want her to have a sibling to look over too. I’m desperate to be successful. I’m desperate to be sleep deprived. I’m desperate to hold my baby and stare. To look at little fingers and little toes………….

An Update

Well I started spotting on Thursday night, 10DPO, and I knew that was a bad sign. I took a HPT on Friday because it was Addy's Angel Day and of course it was negative. I was really hoping for an amazing gift from Addy, but I guess it wasn't in the cards. I spotted all weekend and finally got full flow on Sunday. So I go in on Wed. for an u/s. I'm really hoping that there might be an augmentation to the treatment from Dr. P - Honestly I'm getting more desperate. I'm very concerned that my LP is shortening. I've never spotted like this before and I was taking 200 mg of progesterone 3 times a day - it was making me very sick and dizzy, but I dealt with it. I just want to feel fixed - not broken. I've never gotten a +HPT before 14DPO and if I get AF before that, how am I going to ever get PG?

The strange illness that I had from last week is still hanging on. I'm still exhausted. I sleep awful. My body just hurts. I'm getting a massage tonight and I hope that will help loosen things up. I really need to start to feel like a human again. Its important.

Remembering Addy

Our Daughter's First Angel day. I can't believe its already her and gone. Its surreal to say the least.

It was very important to me that DH and I spend the 21st together honoring Addy and her memory. I slept very fitfully that night. I cried before I went to sleep that night because I had started spotting and I knew AF was on her way. Not a good way to start this weekend. Before I went to sleep that night, I kept wondering if I would be awake at 3:01 when I delivered; well my dyslexic brain must have gotten itself all confused because I woke up at 3:10 am. Oh well. We got up the next morning and went to buy some flowers and balloons to release at the cemetery in addition to all the other things I had been accumulating for her.

I wrote Addy a letter telling her how much I miss her and think of her everyday. We tied it to 3 pink balloons for all our little angels. It was really windy and I was afraid that the balloons might just stuck in the big tree, but they went up no problem - I'm sure Addy got her message.

I brought birthday candles and some other decorations for her headstone. She had already gotten some birthday visitors so there was lots of special items there. M and I spent a long time there just lost in our own thoughts. We don't usually talk very much when we are in the cemetery, and that's ok. We both have a lot to think about. After the cemetery, we had planned to go to the park where Addy had a memorial tree, but unfortunately there was major flooding in the area and the roads to the park were affected. So we weren't able to make it to the park. I plan on taking the flower and balloon there this week.

I made my first ever home made cupcakes on Friday afternoon for Addy too. They turned out pretty well. I even iced M and I's cupcakes with her name. I love seeing it written.
It was interesting to see who remembered the day. We received a few cards and email, but very few - that is the most upsetting thing. You don't want your child to be forgotten.

All in all it was an physically and emotionally draining day. It felt good for M and I to acknowledge her and the impact she has on our lives everyday. We carry her in our Hearts, Always.

My Bad Wed.

Yesterday was M's birthday - I feel really bad for him. I wasn't able to make it a very good day.
I had to go to Chicago for the day for work. So my day started off at 5 am - way too early for me. Unfortunately, I have been fighting a fever for the last few days and its still in full force. So I spent the majority of the flight in a sweat as my fever was breaking for the first time that day - it would soon return - no worries. After spending some time at the tradeshow, I traipsed myself back to the airport and felt my sickness coming on in full force. I tried to make myself eat something, but nothing tastes even remotely good. My flight was delayed, of course, but I got by 6 - which was pretty good.
Because its his b-day, I make him choose what he wants for dinner. I would make reservations, but he had to say which restaurant. Sadly, he didn't even want to go out. So I ended up making him Chicken Wing Dip (its really good, but a very pathetic birthday dinner). I didn't even get him his favorite cookie cake - I'm a very bad wife. I was able to take 3 bites of dinner before I passed out for my half hour nap. I made the final walk to our bedroom at 8pm. Yes, I know it was really sad.
Unfortunately, his birthday is at such a bad time for us - how can you be happy and celebrating a birthday when you know that 2 days later your daughter was stillborn - it just weighs over your head. I really wish that we could just pick another month to celebrate his birthday, but I know its not possible. IT just sucks. I just hope we have a baby this time next year……
Tomorrow is going to be a very sad day for me. I don't think I'm ready for it.

I'm exhausted

So last week I had an u/s to verify that I ovulated. On Sat. I went to the lab to get my blood drawn for my progesterone levels. They came back at 10 - which is OK - it means I ovulated, but its not super high. Since my blood draw on Sat, I started progesterone supplements and they are kicking my ass. They make me feel really dizzy, like I am going to fall over at any second. After I took the first pill, I literally passed out for 2 hours! I have to take these things 3 times a day!

Today was my first work day with the meds and it was rough. I had to put my head down at lunch because I thought I was going to pass out. I came straight home from work - it was a scary drive, I felt a little loopy. I got straight into bed once I got home because I'm so cold! M made dinner and then I took my temp 99.29 - Iseriously have on like 3 layers and wool socks! I hope its just the progesterone and I'm not getting sick...

One Year Ago Today

March 14, 2007 was one of the worst days of my life. A year ago today, we had the final u/s that would change our lives forever.

I had been on bed rest since Feb. 28, hoping and praying that some amniotic fluid would appear around our daughter and she would grow a little bit, and we might make it to the magical 26 week mark that the doctor's talked about. Sadly, at 24w5d we went in for a growth u/s and discovered that our baby's heart had stopped beating.

I have been reliving a lot of the feelings that I felt during that time. Its so hard to feel like you didn't fight hard enough for your baby. I ask myself a million times why I didn't fight so hard to get into the hospital and have 24/7 monitoring.

We will never know if it would have made a difference.

I do know that next time I will fight with every ounce I have in my body for the life of my baby. I just hope I have that chance again.

A Pit

One of my friend's from Heartprints (A pregnancy loss support group I go to at the hosiptal where I delivered Addy) sent this to me.

I can't even begin to say how much this explains everything I have been going through.

The Pit

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life; waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever. The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair; it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday. Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know ... the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit of grief. They have no way of comparing the pit climber to the pre-grief person I once was. You see, they started at the bottom of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit.

Author Unknown

Update on me

My temps went up this morning, a very good sign that I ovulated Sun. or Mon. I will continue to temp until I get confirmation from FF. Hopefully tomorrow:)! I go back to the RE tomorrow to have my ovulation confirmation u/s. I've never had so many u/s - its crazy, but reassuring that things are progressing. Hopefully from there they will schedule my 7DPO progesterone test. After that test, I get to start my progesterone supplements. 200 mg. 3x a day. I'm nervous about the s/e, especially the exhaustion one. I have a lot going on next week in my work and personal life. The progesterone will also reek havoc with my temperatures. Prematurely making them higher so I don't think I can trust temping at the end of my cycle this month. We'll see. I'm planning on getting some $ store PG tests tonight so that I can test out the trigger shot. I'm hoping that it get out of my system by this weekend.

I'm not sure how early I will start testing this month. M's birthday is the 19th. I would love to have good news for him that day, but I think its way too early. I really want to test on the 21st (Addy's Day), but I fear if I get a negative I will be more distraught, if that's even possible. M is convinced that I will have a +HPT on the 21st, a gift from Addy. I hope its true.

Re Appointments = Major Frustration

This was supossed to be my entry fro yesterday

So we started our monitoring cycles with the RE this week. I went in Thursday morning and I have an 18 mm follie on the L side. The u/s tech said "That's exactly what we want to see, like you'll trigger tonight." Then the nurse said "everything looks great, we'll just wait for your blood work levels to come back and verify everything." She went over the instructions on how to trigger Well they did and the E2 level was only 141. So I went back today. The follies had only grown 1 mm to 19mm and my blood work still wasn't where they want to see it. So I have to go back tomorrow.

The nurse said things like "busted cycle" and poor egg quality. Those type of things stress me out - immensely. I just want to get PG and quickly. We need to have a baby in 2008 - it has to happen or else I will not be responsible for my actions. I just want to be fixed. The whole point to doing the trigger shot is to make me ovulate sooner and with crappy levels I'm never going to get there. I want my body to be like it was before. Is that too much to ask? If this cycle is a bust I really hope Dr. P will re-evaluate our treatment and make a change.

UPDATE: I went in today and my follie was at 20 mm. I was expecting bad news from my bloodwork too, but I got an unexpected surprise. It was 310!!! Yeah, that means I triggered tonight and I should be ovulating soon!!!!

Today is EDD #2

What if??? I didn't have a stressful day at work, but instead of had a baby at the hospital.

Today is the due date for our July Angel. We lost the baby early, at around 7 weeks. I'm sad that we never got a chance to meet this little one.
I miss you little Peanut. I think about you everyday and hope you are having fun with your siblings in heaven. I'll love you always.