The weather is getting nicer and everyone is coming outside‏

That should be a reason to be happy right? Well it was, until I started seeing all the little kids playing t-ball and soccer. I saw parents as coaches watching them. I thought how good M would be doing something like this. I hope one day he can for our children.

In other news, I went to the RE last Friday. We had a good sizes follie and an E@ level above 250!. So I triggered that afternoon. I hope the egg wasn't too mature. We did TI again and hopefully we are lucky enough to get PG this month. It would be a great way to end the year.

I got an email last night from a friend who just finished her IVF cycle. She is 4 weeks PG and announcing it to the world - I just don't understand that mentality. I hope everything turns out OK for them - sadly I know of two many things that can go wrong:(

Annoyed at the World‏

I don't know why its bothering me more today then normal, but I'm just really feeling down. The world is passing me by and there's nothing I can do to get back in the game. I feel like it’s a marathon, but I haven't even gotten registered and everyone else is at mile 25. I'm a really bad runner so I know it would take me a long time to catch up. I don't know what I can do to get back in the game this time. I also came to the realization that I am coming up on the 6 month mark past my last loss. Has it really been that long? Where has that time I lost gone? I just wish I could grab a day back, just one more shot. This is also our last chance at a 2008 baby - its weighing heavy on my heart.

I think I might be feeling this because I'm meeting some friends for drinks tonight, One of the girls is PG - OK I think I can handle that. She has always been very caring and never pushy about anything. The other girl is super nosey and wants to know every time she talks to me if I'm PG or if I'm trying. IRL, I don't tell anybody any of my TTTC business. Honestly, its none of their concern. She lives out of town and feels out of the loop if she doesn't know what's going on in STL. Really my TTC isn't something I ever shared with my friends - its just not something I'm totally comfortable talking about. I never was - not even with my first pregnancy with Addy. Honestly I don't know how anyone who knows the struggles we've been through can be, but I guess they assume that I'm the PG Loss friend and it won't happen to them.

Hiding the CBEFM‏

So I've decided that there has been to much stress on M and I these last two months. From peeing on the CBEFM sticks to taking my temp every morning at EXACTLY the same time, that included setting my alarm on weekends. Knowing that I had to get up at a specific time was totally messing with my sleep patterns - It was very eratic and stressful.
So this cycle I am giving all my TTC paraphernalia to M to hide from me. I don't want to know where the CBEFM or BBT is hiding. I just want to not see it on my night stand or bathroom counter. I'm hoping that not temping, pushing buttons, and peeing on sticks makes this cycle easier, or at least a little stress free. There will be nothing to obsess about each day and that might be healthy for me this month.

Of course, I will still be going to the RE for u/s and b/w to monitor when I ovulate, but at least I'm removing some of the extras from the equation. The RE will tell us when TI is, but I've already kind of figured it out on my calendar - at least the 5 general days that could be during the time frame - the first weekend in April. We have a wedding, of course, so we have to make sure that we don't drink too much. We need straight swimmers.

Another one of my crazy concerns this month is that I am ovulating from my R ovary. When I had my HSG done the dye took a little bit longer to get through that tube. It made it all the way through, but it was slower - so is there some blockage? How is my little egg and M's sperm supposed to make it through if there's obstacles? They deserve at least a straight shot! Come on now body, let's work together and get a happy solution.

I’m getting desperate and I’m not too proud to admit it

I think I’ve finally hit a point of desperation. I’ve been sad, in denial, angry, frustrated, and now its desperate. Its been a year since we delivered Addy – 2 more unsuccessful pregnancies and that puts us as TTC for 20 months!!!!! Its absolutely insane to think like that.

Its not like I’m going to see a cute baby on the street and steal it, but I just want to have one that is a part of DH and I to go home to at night. I want to share the unconditional love in my heart that I have for Addison with a living, breathing child. I love my Angel, but I want her to have a sibling to look over too. I’m desperate to be successful. I’m desperate to be sleep deprived. I’m desperate to hold my baby and stare. To look at little fingers and little toes………….

An Update

Well I started spotting on Thursday night, 10DPO, and I knew that was a bad sign. I took a HPT on Friday because it was Addy's Angel Day and of course it was negative. I was really hoping for an amazing gift from Addy, but I guess it wasn't in the cards. I spotted all weekend and finally got full flow on Sunday. So I go in on Wed. for an u/s. I'm really hoping that there might be an augmentation to the treatment from Dr. P - Honestly I'm getting more desperate. I'm very concerned that my LP is shortening. I've never spotted like this before and I was taking 200 mg of progesterone 3 times a day - it was making me very sick and dizzy, but I dealt with it. I just want to feel fixed - not broken. I've never gotten a +HPT before 14DPO and if I get AF before that, how am I going to ever get PG?

The strange illness that I had from last week is still hanging on. I'm still exhausted. I sleep awful. My body just hurts. I'm getting a massage tonight and I hope that will help loosen things up. I really need to start to feel like a human again. Its important.

Remembering Addy

Our Daughter's First Angel day. I can't believe its already her and gone. Its surreal to say the least.

It was very important to me that DH and I spend the 21st together honoring Addy and her memory. I slept very fitfully that night. I cried before I went to sleep that night because I had started spotting and I knew AF was on her way. Not a good way to start this weekend. Before I went to sleep that night, I kept wondering if I would be awake at 3:01 when I delivered; well my dyslexic brain must have gotten itself all confused because I woke up at 3:10 am. Oh well. We got up the next morning and went to buy some flowers and balloons to release at the cemetery in addition to all the other things I had been accumulating for her.

I wrote Addy a letter telling her how much I miss her and think of her everyday. We tied it to 3 pink balloons for all our little angels. It was really windy and I was afraid that the balloons might just stuck in the big tree, but they went up no problem - I'm sure Addy got her message.

I brought birthday candles and some other decorations for her headstone. She had already gotten some birthday visitors so there was lots of special items there. M and I spent a long time there just lost in our own thoughts. We don't usually talk very much when we are in the cemetery, and that's ok. We both have a lot to think about. After the cemetery, we had planned to go to the park where Addy had a memorial tree, but unfortunately there was major flooding in the area and the roads to the park were affected. So we weren't able to make it to the park. I plan on taking the flower and balloon there this week.

I made my first ever home made cupcakes on Friday afternoon for Addy too. They turned out pretty well. I even iced M and I's cupcakes with her name. I love seeing it written.
It was interesting to see who remembered the day. We received a few cards and email, but very few - that is the most upsetting thing. You don't want your child to be forgotten.

All in all it was an physically and emotionally draining day. It felt good for M and I to acknowledge her and the impact she has on our lives everyday. We carry her in our Hearts, Always.

My Bad Wed.

Yesterday was M's birthday - I feel really bad for him. I wasn't able to make it a very good day.
I had to go to Chicago for the day for work. So my day started off at 5 am - way too early for me. Unfortunately, I have been fighting a fever for the last few days and its still in full force. So I spent the majority of the flight in a sweat as my fever was breaking for the first time that day - it would soon return - no worries. After spending some time at the tradeshow, I traipsed myself back to the airport and felt my sickness coming on in full force. I tried to make myself eat something, but nothing tastes even remotely good. My flight was delayed, of course, but I got by 6 - which was pretty good.
Because its his b-day, I make him choose what he wants for dinner. I would make reservations, but he had to say which restaurant. Sadly, he didn't even want to go out. So I ended up making him Chicken Wing Dip (its really good, but a very pathetic birthday dinner). I didn't even get him his favorite cookie cake - I'm a very bad wife. I was able to take 3 bites of dinner before I passed out for my half hour nap. I made the final walk to our bedroom at 8pm. Yes, I know it was really sad.
Unfortunately, his birthday is at such a bad time for us - how can you be happy and celebrating a birthday when you know that 2 days later your daughter was stillborn - it just weighs over your head. I really wish that we could just pick another month to celebrate his birthday, but I know its not possible. IT just sucks. I just hope we have a baby this time next year……
Tomorrow is going to be a very sad day for me. I don't think I'm ready for it.