This is my there's no good direction, pity post for today - you've been warned.
I'm sad for all my on-line friends. There was a number of us who had late second tri losses around the same time in March. We were all very active members of the PL board and over the last few months they've disappeared. I know its hard to see people come and go so quickly from the board and be stuck there - it sucks. A number of the girls have been blessed to get pg quickly and are over halfway done (or more!) there are a few of us that are still hanging out waiting for our turn - its so unfair. These women deserve healthy happy babies just like everybody else and it hurts me every month to know that there are other people out there going through the same kind of pain I am. Its so strange to have such an intense desire for someone you never have met IRL to have a successful pregnancy. I think it just shows how women may be catty we can really be there for each other.
Not to mention a few of them have gotten PG again and then m/c'd. As someone who has gone through that same scenario - all I can say is it so cruel. Its just not right. These women have been tested and pushed beyond anything anyone should ever have to endure.
another thing that I realized last week was people who had healthy babies the same time I had Addison are trying again! some of them have had early miscarriages and are showing up on my boards! I can't even fathom it. I should have a 10 month old. I should be happy and sleepless on the weekends. I should have been playing at the park yesterday instead of tying a heart around Addy's memory tree.
I did just see a PFB post from one of the girls and that gives me immense hope that I'll have a turn soon. But according to my RE this month is out for us:( I went to the RE today for a cyst check. Everything came back OK. I have my SHG scheduled for Wed. am. Its my last actual procedure before our meeting to discuss our plan. Its frustrating because we started the process over three months ago and because my cycles coincided with his vacation time I never got in to see him.
Oh yeah, if I got PG this month; my due date is October 31 - why do I torture myself!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Today is the 21st - Angel Play Group - Play date
The following is the post I make on the 21 of every month on www.thenest.com Pregnancy Loss Board.
http://boards.thenest.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=40837737#40837737
Hi mommies,I started this post on the 21st of every month to remember my little girl on the day she was born. Since I started Addy’s Angel Playgroup, we have suffered two more losses – so I’ve decided to rename the group Addy, Peanut, and Grace Cashew’s Angel Playgroup as a way to remember all my babies in heaven. I always knew that I would know all my babies’ friends names. This group is a way for me to find out and remember all the babies she is friends with in heaven. I know they are all up there playing together waiting for us. It makes me sad to have to add more babies each month, but I know they’re together and that’s comforting to me. So no matter if they have a name or a nickname I want to know it.It’s been ten long months since we lost our little girl and these are the friends that play with her everyday: Spencer Allen, Hope, baby girl, Munchkin, baby, Elizabeth Dymphna, Sarah, Hope, Autumn, Ciara Grace, Peanut, Bella, Englebert Dweezil, Hokieangel, Sweetpea, Elizabeth Sue, Sydney Grace, Marie Elizabeth, Sweetpea, Bean, Holden, Bambino, Ole, Schlomo, Riley Tey, Aidan Christian, Fredrick, Monkey, Jacob, Erin Elizabeth, Pepper, Rice, Peanut, Little Star, Shea Michael, Art and Julianna St. John, Wombsly, Ariel, Riley Jacob, Nathaniel Martin, the WonderTwins, Jude, Angela Felicity, Logan, Kyle/Isabella, Baby Tut, Baby Lem, Squishy, baby girl angel, Diddle Bug, Leilani, Riley Elizabeth, daddy's little man, Dora, David and Jonathan, Zippy, little, Tater, Gizmo, Kaitlyn Lily, Gus, jellybean, baby Collins, Hugh, Raya’s Boy, Olivia, little beanie, Stryker Kaleb, Alexbean, Bo, mayor, Abigail, Lucy Maribelle, our Miracle, Baby D, turkey, July angel, sweetpea, Faith, Lelliot, Angel Babe, 4 angel babies, Micahel and Brendan, Our Angel, baby peanut, Baby W, Juju bee, Baby Burns #1, little rice, Benjamin Elijah, Stephen Joseph, and Little Bean.Please feel free to add your little one’s to this list as another way to remember them. I have been compiling this list since April and keep every babies name on it every month. So please feel free to share.
I’m pretty sure I got everyone, but please let me know if I missed anyone from last month.
((HUGS))
Amanda
Here are the new angels this month:
Noah and Joshua Nicholas
Baby Mac
Lucy
Lucy Ruth
Batman
Sam and Jamie
Chloe
What's pretty scary about this post is I can probably identify most of the screen names with their baby's names - especially the ones who experienced later loss. I feel so connected to so many of these women - we've our lost a piece of our future.
This post is so bittersweet for me. I feel really good remembering my babies this way and remembering everyone else's children too. Its so awful to see the list grow every month, but at least I feel like I am acknowledging them.
One of the things that hurts me the most is that no one says my daughter's name and that hurts so bad. This post keeps her name alive to me. I don't want people to forget her name - she's a person and deserves to be recognized just like other babies. I wish more people would say her name. There was another girl who echoed those same sentiments to me today - and I'm so happy other mother's enjoy seeing their babies' names as much as I do.
There is one girl there, ourlittlebean, that responds every month, that she is so glad I do this post. She is PG again, and comes back to the PG loss board every month to remember her WonderTwins. Its makes me feel good that somebody else feels the post is as important as I do.
So I'm a bad blogger, but I have a good reason. I've been in my first 2ww since the start of the new year and TTC again - so I didn't really want to write anything.
Today was 12DPO and I got a BFN:(. I didn't get a +HPT before until 14 DPO - I won't test again until Wed. am, but I'll be out of town on business - so that sucks. I won't be able to get in and get beta's right away. I am packing my lovenox just in case - the earlier the treatment starts the better I feel. I really don't feel pregnant at all - I make up symptoms to make myself feel better. I think M will be a little crushed if I'm not PG this month - he thinks its so easy - we BD, we get PG. If its negative this month, I have my final procedure schedules at the RE - SHG. We meet with him in Feb. to discuss our plan of attack. I hope he has a good plan of attack for us. I'm ready to have a positive pregnancy experience.
http://boards.thenest.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=40837737#40837737
Hi mommies,I started this post on the 21st of every month to remember my little girl on the day she was born. Since I started Addy’s Angel Playgroup, we have suffered two more losses – so I’ve decided to rename the group Addy, Peanut, and Grace Cashew’s Angel Playgroup as a way to remember all my babies in heaven. I always knew that I would know all my babies’ friends names. This group is a way for me to find out and remember all the babies she is friends with in heaven. I know they are all up there playing together waiting for us. It makes me sad to have to add more babies each month, but I know they’re together and that’s comforting to me. So no matter if they have a name or a nickname I want to know it.It’s been ten long months since we lost our little girl and these are the friends that play with her everyday: Spencer Allen, Hope, baby girl, Munchkin, baby, Elizabeth Dymphna, Sarah, Hope, Autumn, Ciara Grace, Peanut, Bella, Englebert Dweezil, Hokieangel, Sweetpea, Elizabeth Sue, Sydney Grace, Marie Elizabeth, Sweetpea, Bean, Holden, Bambino, Ole, Schlomo, Riley Tey, Aidan Christian, Fredrick, Monkey, Jacob, Erin Elizabeth, Pepper, Rice, Peanut, Little Star, Shea Michael, Art and Julianna St. John, Wombsly, Ariel, Riley Jacob, Nathaniel Martin, the WonderTwins, Jude, Angela Felicity, Logan, Kyle/Isabella, Baby Tut, Baby Lem, Squishy, baby girl angel, Diddle Bug, Leilani, Riley Elizabeth, daddy's little man, Dora, David and Jonathan, Zippy, little, Tater, Gizmo, Kaitlyn Lily, Gus, jellybean, baby Collins, Hugh, Raya’s Boy, Olivia, little beanie, Stryker Kaleb, Alexbean, Bo, mayor, Abigail, Lucy Maribelle, our Miracle, Baby D, turkey, July angel, sweetpea, Faith, Lelliot, Angel Babe, 4 angel babies, Micahel and Brendan, Our Angel, baby peanut, Baby W, Juju bee, Baby Burns #1, little rice, Benjamin Elijah, Stephen Joseph, and Little Bean.Please feel free to add your little one’s to this list as another way to remember them. I have been compiling this list since April and keep every babies name on it every month. So please feel free to share.
I’m pretty sure I got everyone, but please let me know if I missed anyone from last month.
((HUGS))
Amanda
Here are the new angels this month:
Noah and Joshua Nicholas
Baby Mac
Lucy
Lucy Ruth
Batman
Sam and Jamie
Chloe
What's pretty scary about this post is I can probably identify most of the screen names with their baby's names - especially the ones who experienced later loss. I feel so connected to so many of these women - we've our lost a piece of our future.
This post is so bittersweet for me. I feel really good remembering my babies this way and remembering everyone else's children too. Its so awful to see the list grow every month, but at least I feel like I am acknowledging them.
One of the things that hurts me the most is that no one says my daughter's name and that hurts so bad. This post keeps her name alive to me. I don't want people to forget her name - she's a person and deserves to be recognized just like other babies. I wish more people would say her name. There was another girl who echoed those same sentiments to me today - and I'm so happy other mother's enjoy seeing their babies' names as much as I do.
There is one girl there, ourlittlebean, that responds every month, that she is so glad I do this post. She is PG again, and comes back to the PG loss board every month to remember her WonderTwins. Its makes me feel good that somebody else feels the post is as important as I do.
So I'm a bad blogger, but I have a good reason. I've been in my first 2ww since the start of the new year and TTC again - so I didn't really want to write anything.
Today was 12DPO and I got a BFN:(. I didn't get a +HPT before until 14 DPO - I won't test again until Wed. am, but I'll be out of town on business - so that sucks. I won't be able to get in and get beta's right away. I am packing my lovenox just in case - the earlier the treatment starts the better I feel. I really don't feel pregnant at all - I make up symptoms to make myself feel better. I think M will be a little crushed if I'm not PG this month - he thinks its so easy - we BD, we get PG. If its negative this month, I have my final procedure schedules at the RE - SHG. We meet with him in Feb. to discuss our plan of attack. I hope he has a good plan of attack for us. I'm ready to have a positive pregnancy experience.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Teaching DH to use CBEFM
So I purchased a CBEFM in May after we lost our daughter to help us TTC ASAP.
Well, things didn’t work out as planned, but we have started using it again. I used to get an e-mail from M every morning – “What did the stick say?” I thought that was very cute that he was trying to understand my cycles and how everything works. I showed him the complex button on the left hand side that you press and it shows where you are in your cycle. So now instead he says – “So yesterday we said still low huh”
I was impressed he had figured it out, but then last night he said – so what number do we want? Huh – the numbers are on the right of the screen.
OOPS – he thought we were trying to get to 100 on the right on of the screen. You know where cycle days are listed. So it showed 13 and he thought we had a long way to go.
So I explained. The numbers are just to keep track of how many days since AF started.
He was right though – it was still low. Until this morning – we got a high!!! I’m going to let him press he button when he gets home tonight. Let sex week begin.
Well, things didn’t work out as planned, but we have started using it again. I used to get an e-mail from M every morning – “What did the stick say?” I thought that was very cute that he was trying to understand my cycles and how everything works. I showed him the complex button on the left hand side that you press and it shows where you are in your cycle. So now instead he says – “So yesterday we said still low huh”
I was impressed he had figured it out, but then last night he said – so what number do we want? Huh – the numbers are on the right of the screen.
OOPS – he thought we were trying to get to 100 on the right on of the screen. You know where cycle days are listed. So it showed 13 and he thought we had a long way to go.
So I explained. The numbers are just to keep track of how many days since AF started.
He was right though – it was still low. Until this morning – we got a high!!! I’m going to let him press he button when he gets home tonight. Let sex week begin.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Hello 2008. I’m do glad you are here. Screw you 2007.
With the New Year, I’ve decided I need to start blogging as a way to get out all my feelings. So here it goes…….
So who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?
2007 was the worst year of my life. Sounds dramatic, huh? Well I was pregnant three times and I lost three babies in that time frame. We had a daughter that was stillborn on March 21, 2007. We found out on March 14 that her heart had stopped beating at 24 weeks 5 day. Our little girl had IUGR and no amniotic fluid because of two blood disorders I have – heterozygous Factor V Leiden and heterozygous MTHFR. (I will rant about blood disorders another day). I didn’t find out I had the blood disorders until she was already in distress at 22 weeks.
I got pg again quickly, but unfortunately it was a blighted ovum. So I had all the pregnancy symptoms, but on the u/s the sac showed no baby, pretty cruel huh? I choose to have surgery to remove the pregnancy because I needed to move on. Well we weren’t so careful and I got PG again (seriously - I know). I found out Sept. 10. I went to the dr. and found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. Unfortunately that little baby girl was lost on Oct. 17, 2007. I again had surgery and through genetic testing they were able to determine it was another little girl and she had Turner’s Syndrome – so she was missing a sex chromosome (45X instead of 46XX)
2008 is a year full of new possibilities. M and I are theoretically trying again to have a baby. He wants to get PG and have the baby all in one year. He likes even number years better then odd. We got married in 2004. He had a good year work wise in 2006. His logic doesn’t always work with me, but its very sweet. Today, I want to get PG again, but I’m not going to guarantee what I feel like tomorrow. I am using the CBEFM again. Every morning he asks “What’s the stick say?” We’re waiting for a high reading.
So what am I doing different to treat the blood disorders? The common, never agreed upon by doctor’s treatment – blood thinners. I am currently taking baby aspirin everyday. When I get a +HPT, I will begin my lovenox shots. My new MFS said I am going to is putting me on 40 mg/ 1 day.
I’m also going to use this blog to show ways I remember the babies and try to incorporate them into my daily life. I promise I'll learn how to upload pictures soon. M’s work bought it for us in a local park by the house. I love that it is placed in front of a playground – so Addy can watch over all the other kids.
So who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?
2007 was the worst year of my life. Sounds dramatic, huh? Well I was pregnant three times and I lost three babies in that time frame. We had a daughter that was stillborn on March 21, 2007. We found out on March 14 that her heart had stopped beating at 24 weeks 5 day. Our little girl had IUGR and no amniotic fluid because of two blood disorders I have – heterozygous Factor V Leiden and heterozygous MTHFR. (I will rant about blood disorders another day). I didn’t find out I had the blood disorders until she was already in distress at 22 weeks.
I got pg again quickly, but unfortunately it was a blighted ovum. So I had all the pregnancy symptoms, but on the u/s the sac showed no baby, pretty cruel huh? I choose to have surgery to remove the pregnancy because I needed to move on. Well we weren’t so careful and I got PG again (seriously - I know). I found out Sept. 10. I went to the dr. and found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. Unfortunately that little baby girl was lost on Oct. 17, 2007. I again had surgery and through genetic testing they were able to determine it was another little girl and she had Turner’s Syndrome – so she was missing a sex chromosome (45X instead of 46XX)
2008 is a year full of new possibilities. M and I are theoretically trying again to have a baby. He wants to get PG and have the baby all in one year. He likes even number years better then odd. We got married in 2004. He had a good year work wise in 2006. His logic doesn’t always work with me, but its very sweet. Today, I want to get PG again, but I’m not going to guarantee what I feel like tomorrow. I am using the CBEFM again. Every morning he asks “What’s the stick say?” We’re waiting for a high reading.
So what am I doing different to treat the blood disorders? The common, never agreed upon by doctor’s treatment – blood thinners. I am currently taking baby aspirin everyday. When I get a +HPT, I will begin my lovenox shots. My new MFS said I am going to is putting me on 40 mg/ 1 day.
I’m also going to use this blog to show ways I remember the babies and try to incorporate them into my daily life. I promise I'll learn how to upload pictures soon. M’s work bought it for us in a local park by the house. I love that it is placed in front of a playground – so Addy can watch over all the other kids.
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