Well today marks the beginning of the On Year Ago Today Posts as I prepare for Addy’s Angeliversary. On Feb. 28, 2007 we went to the perinatal center at the hospital because at our big u/s they couldn’t get all the measurements they wanted. This was the day that the world crashed down around me with the news that she had no amniotic fluid and IUGR. The doctor said it was bad, but I really didn’t think that she wouldn’t make it. It seems almost surreal at this point. We were so close to the magic 26 weeks that they would intervene at. I still have a hard time understanding how the u/s tech at my OB’s office didn’t recognize the signs, two weeks prior, that my daughter was in distress, but there’s nothing that I can do about that now.
So I know I’m going to have a rough few weeks ahead.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I cried myself to sleep....
Its been a long time since I've done that. I really thought that I was over that hurdle. The other night after M was asleep I just couldn't help it. I think the realization that its been a year since we lost Addison is really starting to hit me pretty hard.
Crying myself to sleep was a normal occurrence after we lost Addison. Let's be honest, when it first happened I cried all day long. Then I started hiding my crying from M. He was having a hard time understanding why I still cried all day. So, I did it during the day when he was at work. And I did it almost every night until her due date in late June. I felt like I had to hide my grief, and that was the easiest time to do it. Especially since I had a really hard time falling asleep for those 3 months. What else do you do at 2 in the morning when you can sleep and you are so sad? Cry. Cry. And cry some more.
the night I cried was the day before AF showed. I think deep down inside I knew that I wasn't PG. My chart didn't look promising. I didn't have any symptoms. Although I can't really ever remember having early symptoms until after I knew I was already PG.
AF showed on Friday morning, my temps took a dip too, to right above the cover line, so that was annoying. AF totally teased me too. It was just spotting on Friday and Sat. morning. I thought my body was totally screwing with me, but thankfully things got flowing later Sat. afternoon. So that was CD1. I called the RE and I have my u/s appointment on Wed. morning. They'll check for cysts and do baseline b/w. Then give me calendar of events for the month. At our meeting with the RE last month, he decided to only augment our TTC journey with an ovidrel (HCG) shot to induce ovulation at the right time. He kept using the analogy that you have to get the oven at the right temperature to get PG. So we just need to tweak our recipe. It was pretty funny, but I totally understood his analogy. We'll do this plan of attack for 3 months and if we aren't successful we'll re-evaluate. I really hope we don't get to that point. We are quickly running out of time to have a 2008 baby. This month's EDD is Nov. 29, 2008 - yes I check every month.
So I'm hoping that the recipe just needed a loving and this will be the month for us. We can't handle much more stress.
Crying myself to sleep was a normal occurrence after we lost Addison. Let's be honest, when it first happened I cried all day long. Then I started hiding my crying from M. He was having a hard time understanding why I still cried all day. So, I did it during the day when he was at work. And I did it almost every night until her due date in late June. I felt like I had to hide my grief, and that was the easiest time to do it. Especially since I had a really hard time falling asleep for those 3 months. What else do you do at 2 in the morning when you can sleep and you are so sad? Cry. Cry. And cry some more.
the night I cried was the day before AF showed. I think deep down inside I knew that I wasn't PG. My chart didn't look promising. I didn't have any symptoms. Although I can't really ever remember having early symptoms until after I knew I was already PG.
AF showed on Friday morning, my temps took a dip too, to right above the cover line, so that was annoying. AF totally teased me too. It was just spotting on Friday and Sat. morning. I thought my body was totally screwing with me, but thankfully things got flowing later Sat. afternoon. So that was CD1. I called the RE and I have my u/s appointment on Wed. morning. They'll check for cysts and do baseline b/w. Then give me calendar of events for the month. At our meeting with the RE last month, he decided to only augment our TTC journey with an ovidrel (HCG) shot to induce ovulation at the right time. He kept using the analogy that you have to get the oven at the right temperature to get PG. So we just need to tweak our recipe. It was pretty funny, but I totally understood his analogy. We'll do this plan of attack for 3 months and if we aren't successful we'll re-evaluate. I really hope we don't get to that point. We are quickly running out of time to have a 2008 baby. This month's EDD is Nov. 29, 2008 - yes I check every month.
So I'm hoping that the recipe just needed a loving and this will be the month for us. We can't handle much more stress.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Is the 21st Again...
It’s the 21st again – eleven long months after delivery and there are still more Angel Babies added today. So here are some more of Addy’s new friends.
Peppercorn, Gummy Bear, Baby W, Raymond Bradley, Riley David, Jumping Bean, Augustine aka Gus, Cameron Douglas, Belly Buddy, Blueberry, Baby Mac, Gwyniviere Emlyn and Onora Casidhe, Baby G, and peanut.
We love and miss all our babies.
Peppercorn, Gummy Bear, Baby W, Raymond Bradley, Riley David, Jumping Bean, Augustine aka Gus, Cameron Douglas, Belly Buddy, Blueberry, Baby Mac, Gwyniviere Emlyn and Onora Casidhe, Baby G, and peanut.
We love and miss all our babies.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Why do I share my Story?
When I was blissfully pg and ignorant last year, I had never encountered a single person with a pg loss. Now three losses later, I’m pretty open about sharing my story. Why would I want to be so open with something so personal?
There are a few reasons.
1. I want to shout my daughter’s name from the rooftop. I never, ever want it forgotten. I hope her impact continues to spread.
2. The people that I encounter may also be blissfully ignorant, but one day they are going to encounter someone with pregnancy loss. It may not be them, but it could be there sister, best friend, or even their own child, but I hope to think that because I shared what happened with me they will be a more compassionate, caring, and understanding person.
I never fathomed I would experience loss like this, but it happens. It happens to all of us no matter, our age, race, or social class. And it sucks – big time. As someone who continues to go through it all I want to hear is I’m sorry. Those simple words say everything that needs to be said. Anything beyond that and you are just putting your foot in your mouth.
There are a few reasons.
1. I want to shout my daughter’s name from the rooftop. I never, ever want it forgotten. I hope her impact continues to spread.
2. The people that I encounter may also be blissfully ignorant, but one day they are going to encounter someone with pregnancy loss. It may not be them, but it could be there sister, best friend, or even their own child, but I hope to think that because I shared what happened with me they will be a more compassionate, caring, and understanding person.
I never fathomed I would experience loss like this, but it happens. It happens to all of us no matter, our age, race, or social class. And it sucks – big time. As someone who continues to go through it all I want to hear is I’m sorry. Those simple words say everything that needs to be said. Anything beyond that and you are just putting your foot in your mouth.
Monday, February 18, 2008
My diagnosis
When I got my diagnosis almost a year ago I spent so much time searching for answer and information about my disorder. I found a Factor V website and a yahoo group for women just like me. It was reassuring to find other people in the same situation. These women had experienced miscarriages and stillbirths just like me, but its so sad that they understand. Many also had never experienced any symptoms before their babies were in distress just like me.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FVL-PG/
The pregnancy loss board, where I spent most of my time after the loss, never had any women like me. I would stalk the posts looking for another women who might have the same blood disorder. I never found them. Then in November I started seeing TONS of them. I guess everyone came out of the woodwork with their diagnosis.
http://boards.thenest.com/Boards/ShowForum.aspx?ForumID=426
Anyway, I wanted to share some of the resources that I found for my two diagnosis - heterozygous Factor V Leiden and Heterozygous MTHER a gene. Here is the Factor V website http://www.fvleiden.org/
There is also great thread on babycenter.com under high risk pregnancies called Lovenox Ladies. Its full of women who taking blood thinners. They have great tips, tricks, and advice.
http://www.babycenter.com/
I also recently came across a group for MTHFR on yahoo http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/immunologysupport/
An article about Factov V http://www.geneclinics.org/profiles/factor-v-leiden/details.html
Hopefully there will continue to be new research about Factor V and pregnancy loss.
The best site out there I have found for pregnancy loss is Share.
http://www.nationalshreoffice.com/ they are a National organization that supports bereaved parents. They are the best organization ever. I'm very lucky that they have their National Headquarters here in the St. Louis area.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FVL-PG/
The pregnancy loss board, where I spent most of my time after the loss, never had any women like me. I would stalk the posts looking for another women who might have the same blood disorder. I never found them. Then in November I started seeing TONS of them. I guess everyone came out of the woodwork with their diagnosis.
http://boards.thenest.com/Boards/ShowForum.aspx?ForumID=426
Anyway, I wanted to share some of the resources that I found for my two diagnosis - heterozygous Factor V Leiden and Heterozygous MTHER a gene. Here is the Factor V website http://www.fvleiden.org/
There is also great thread on babycenter.com under high risk pregnancies called Lovenox Ladies. Its full of women who taking blood thinners. They have great tips, tricks, and advice.
http://www.babycenter.com/
I also recently came across a group for MTHFR on yahoo http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/immunologysupport/
An article about Factov V http://www.geneclinics.org/profiles/factor-v-leiden/details.html
Hopefully there will continue to be new research about Factor V and pregnancy loss.
The best site out there I have found for pregnancy loss is Share.
http://www.nationalshreoffice.com/ they are a National organization that supports bereaved parents. They are the best organization ever. I'm very lucky that they have their National Headquarters here in the St. Louis area.
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