I cried myself to sleep....

Its been a long time since I've done that. I really thought that I was over that hurdle. The other night after M was asleep I just couldn't help it. I think the realization that its been a year since we lost Addison is really starting to hit me pretty hard.

Crying myself to sleep was a normal occurrence after we lost Addison. Let's be honest, when it first happened I cried all day long. Then I started hiding my crying from M. He was having a hard time understanding why I still cried all day. So, I did it during the day when he was at work. And I did it almost every night until her due date in late June. I felt like I had to hide my grief, and that was the easiest time to do it. Especially since I had a really hard time falling asleep for those 3 months. What else do you do at 2 in the morning when you can sleep and you are so sad? Cry. Cry. And cry some more.

the night I cried was the day before AF showed. I think deep down inside I knew that I wasn't PG. My chart didn't look promising. I didn't have any symptoms. Although I can't really ever remember having early symptoms until after I knew I was already PG.

AF showed on Friday morning, my temps took a dip too, to right above the cover line, so that was annoying. AF totally teased me too. It was just spotting on Friday and Sat. morning. I thought my body was totally screwing with me, but thankfully things got flowing later Sat. afternoon. So that was CD1. I called the RE and I have my u/s appointment on Wed. morning. They'll check for cysts and do baseline b/w. Then give me calendar of events for the month. At our meeting with the RE last month, he decided to only augment our TTC journey with an ovidrel (HCG) shot to induce ovulation at the right time. He kept using the analogy that you have to get the oven at the right temperature to get PG. So we just need to tweak our recipe. It was pretty funny, but I totally understood his analogy. We'll do this plan of attack for 3 months and if we aren't successful we'll re-evaluate. I really hope we don't get to that point. We are quickly running out of time to have a 2008 baby. This month's EDD is Nov. 29, 2008 - yes I check every month.

So I'm hoping that the recipe just needed a loving and this will be the month for us. We can't handle much more stress.